The abandonment of self in a relationship occurs when someone prioritizes the needs, desires and expectations of their partner over their own well-being, identity and values. It often involves neglecting personal boundaries, losing touch with one’s own desires or goals and sacrificing self-respect for the sake of maintaining the relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment, confusion and disconnection from one’s true self.
When someone is abandoning themselves in a relationship due to unhealed trauma, they may display these signs:
- People-Pleasing: They constantly prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, fearing rejection or conflict.
- Lack of Boundaries: They struggle to say no, tolerate mistreatment, or allow their partner to control major decisions.
- Emotional Suppression: They minimize or dismiss their own feelings to avoid burdening their partner.
- Fear of Abandonment: They cling to the relationship, even if it’s unhealthy, due to deep-seated fear of being alone.
- Identity Loss: They lose sight of their personal interests, values, or goals, shaping themselves entirely around their partner.
- Hyper-Vigilance: They’re constantly monitoring their partner’s mood, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
- Justifying Bad Behavior: They make excuses for mistreatment or an attempt to find reasons for behavior, decisions (red flags) to avoid confrontation.
- Neglecting Self-Care: They stop prioritizing their mental, physical and/or emotional and spiritual well-being.
- Feeling Trapped: They stay in the relationship out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation/loyalty rather than genuine love.
- Ignoring Intuition: They sense something is wrong but dismiss their gut feelings to maintain the relationship.
These behaviors often stem from childhood wounds, past relationship trauma or low self-worth. Healing involves self-awareness, setting boundaries and reconnecting with one’s needs.
When someone is abandoning themselves in a relationship, it often shows up in their emotions, behaviors and even physical and spiritual well-being.
Emotional Signs
- Chronic Anxiety or Fear: Constantly worrying about their partner’s feelings, approval or the stability of the relationship.
- Feeling Unfulfilled: A deep sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction, even if the relationship seems “fine” on the surface.
- Resentment & Exhaustion: Overextending themselves and suppressing their own needs leads to frustration and burnout.
- Low Self-Worth: Feeling like they aren’t “good enough” unless they are giving, fixing or sacrificing.
- Suppressed Anger or Sadness: They bottle up their feelings, often leading to outbursts or emotional numbness.
Behavioral Signs
- Over-Accommodating: Saying yes when they want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs.
- Neglecting Personal Goals: Their dreams, hobbies or aspirations take a backseat to their partner’s life.
- Over-Explaining or Apologizin: Feeling the need to justify their actions or constantly saying sorry, even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
- Ignoring Red Flags: Finding reasons for unhealthy behavior instead of addressing it.
- Isolating From Support: Pulling away from friends, family or personal support systems.
Physical Signs
- Chronic Fatigue: Emotional exhaustion can translate into physical exhaustion.
- Increased Stress Symptoms: Headaches, stomach issues, or tension in the body.
- Neglecting Self-Care: Skipping meals, not exercising or not engaging in activities that bring them joy.
Spiritual Signs
- Loss of Personal Boundaries: A person might neglect their own needs, wants, and values, consistently putting the other person’s needs first. Over time, this can lead to resentment, frustration, or burnout because they are no longer honoring what truly feels right for them.
- Diminished Self-Worth: They might begin to believe they are only worthy of love or acceptance through the lens of the relationship, rather than feeling intrinsically worthy. This can erode confidence and self-love.
- Inner Conflict or Cognitive Dissonance: There’s often a conflict between their inner truth and the behaviors they’re engaging in. They might find themselves rationalizing unhealthy patterns or denying their discomfort, which leads to an inner disconnect.
- Disconnection from Purpose: Abandoning oneself often involves losing sight of one’s larger life purpose or spiritual path, leading to confusion, aimlessness, or a sense of being unfulfilled. The relationship might become a distraction from deeper life aspirations.
- Increased Anxiety or Depression: A sense of being out of alignment with one’s true self can result in emotional distress, including feelings of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness. The person may feel a sense of loss or as if they are “losing themselves” in the relationship.
- Physical Symptoms: Sometimes, when spiritual well-being is compromised, it can manifest physically—through fatigue, illness, or general lack of vitality. The body might be signaling that something is wrong in the relationship or in the way the person is treating themselves.
- Spiritual Isolation: They may experience a sense of disconnection from their spiritual practices or faith, feeling like they are unable to tap into their higher self or find peace within, due to the energy being consumed by the relationship.
This self-abandonment often stems from deep-seated fears of rejection, past trauma or a belief that love must be “earned.” Recognizing it is the first step toward healing and reclaiming one’s sense of self.