I remember feeling so insecure and almost exposing my buttocks for an AX commercial or lingerie topic. I literally wanted to be seen for what I was worth. Well, the cow trade that took place before this was certainly worth it for me. Because I was through! Chosen by so many men…What do you mean, insecure? Haha, back then I didn’t know what was coming…
Fortunately, now I know much better. Self-esteem has been missing for a long time. I probably always looked for it outside of myself, and time and time again I was told back. I kept hitting a wall again and again. In my mind that I had found again what I was missing. That was not the case!
This has been the case for a long time that I looked it all up outside myself. Until I had a burnout in 2017….The period after this changed my life completely. Somewhere deep inside, things started bubbling up that I didn’t even know existed anymore. An old wound was deeply affected and so I slowly started to heal and clean up.
My self-confidence has increased, which means I can also trust myself, how I experience things and what I want to do with them. Communicating with others has changed, I dare to speak my truth. My self-esteem has grown, which means I also accept my body as it is now. My feminine, sensual and sexual side now feels very familiar, I have accepted it, it is a part of me. I know that I no longer have to look for it somewhere outside of me, but within myself and with myself.
It was not surprising to me that I started walking the spiritual path to get closer to myself. The spiritual is a natural part of me, this is part of me. This spiritual path has made me stronger and braver in life. More vulnerable but also mentally stronger. I have learned not to be ashamed of my feelings and how I express myself every now and then (the inner child still wants to be angry, sad and have fun playing).
I have always lived from a certain fear of doing something wrong (please behavior), which in turn arose from rejection/fear of abandonment. At this point the Universe continues to test me (choosing what is best for myself, the ego), and this is deeply ingrained!! But in the meantime I have realized that I should try not to allow this fear to be so strong anymore. So I’m not there yet… that uncertainty is still there and the doubts that arise from it every now and then are still there.
The term ego is used to refer to a person’s sense of ‘self’. It includes their thoughts and feelings, including their self-esteem and sense of self-importance. We all have an ego. A healthy ego is a good thing because it increases our self-confidence and pushes us to face or overcome our fears.
Because I follow this spiritual path, my body is now increasingly at peace, space for new insights, but it also makes me super tiring. I am quickly exhausted energetically and I know that this is also a healing process from being under pressure for all those years. I quickly sense physically that something is not right emotionally. And this can come out!
The only thing I can do for myself is to continue to learn from everything that comes my way and hope that this will lead to the right decisions that will lead me to where I want to be. It is certainly important not to rush. If I have to start all over again, I will have to start with small steps forward.